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3/15/2007 Counting My BlessingsIn my travels through blog land I visited Gayle's site and was reminded, because of her positive attitude and the peace I found reading her blog, that perhaps I should concentrate more on the positive things in my life and just deal with the annoyances... rather than dwelling on them. Thank you for that Gayle.
The best and most awesome joy in my life is my relationship with B, and the changes he has made and continues to make in his life... which of course, affects my own.
He is still 100% sober, and as time goes on I see more and more of the man I knew he was... the man I saw in his bleary red, unhappy eyes when I first met him. Shining through all that alcohol and self loathing was a sensitive, intelligent, decent man, and though I saw it and took every opportunity to tell him I saw that, he wasn't ready to allow himself to be the best HIM that he could be. He wasn't ready to forgive himself for all his transgressions, and because he couldn't forgive himself, he couldn't ask God to forgive him either... he felt it would be hypocritical.
Every day I see him dealing with life. I see him struggling for understanding of this world that he now has to live in, that he now has to acknowledge and work with daily... a world he had previously avoided, and if forced to deal with it would drown with alcohol. He used to find every excuse to drink... to get out of his head... to avoid dealing with grown up life. Now he meets each challenge head on and uses his intellect to handle each and every situation that presents itself. I see the desire to "escape" flit across his face now and again, and then I see him purposely send that desire away... I see him find some other diversion to take it's place. I am so proud of him... so amazed by his transformation and his determination to finally succeed... to finally have a life he can be proud of.
He finds little ways of showing me his love almost every day. His understanding and patience with my faults is something I'm finding wonderful, and at the same time difficult to deal with... no one else has ever dealt with my faults and still loved me the same, or more, like he does. Well, no one other than my family... they've always been supportive of me despite my constant penchant for getting myself into messes.
Some little things my B has done, which are huge to me:
One day I sat down at my computer to find a stuffed floppy eared doggie holding a heart in it's arms with a "press here" note on it's paw sitting on my desk. As I grinned, not knowing quite what to expect, I reached out and pressed... the doggie started to sway back and forth while the heart he was holding lit up red and the song "Have I told you lately that I love you" began to play. He sits on my desk still, and whenever I'm feeling a little lonely I press his paw. It never fails to make me smile, and my heart always feels full after listening to him.
On Valentines day I got out of the shower and as I walked past my chair I saw a big decorative bag sitting on it with a huge... I mean HUGE red heart shaped (with an arrow through it) mylar balloon with the words "I LOVE YOU" across it, attached to the bag. A grin spread across my face and while still wrapped in my towel I carried the package to the back room (we're still living in the office right now while the house is being finished) and thanked my B profusely before I even looked inside the bag. He grinned and told me to look. Inside the bag was a white furry boy and girl stuffed bear combo holding a bag of heart shaped candies between them. There was a lovely card that made me cry because it was so intensely loving. There was the movie "Fiddler on the Roof" anniversary edition (he later explained he'd been searching for the movie "The Notebook" because it was the first romantic one we'd seen together, but he couldn't find it anywhere so thought he'd get me an old movie because he knows I love them.) Additionally there was a big stuffed, finely detailed, so adorable I've been hugging it ever since, ELEPHANT. I collect elephants and I adore them... I can't believe he found this one. I've never seen a stuffed elephant as beautiful as this one, or with as much detail... I'm still amazed and so grateful that he's being so thoughtful.
Two days before my birthday in January I climbed up into his truck because he was taking me to lunch. On the seat was a small box wrapped up in pretty paper and with a bow on top. I looked at him and asked "What's this?", and he said "Oh, I forgot that was there. It's your birthday present" and I smiled at him and said I could wait to open it. He said no, open it now because I want to feel good about myself. I grinned at him over that one! I took off the bow and paper, and I opened the box slowly... just getting a peek at what was inside. I closed it again quickly and looked up at him with shock and amazement... the tears came to me quickly...I peeked again... I couldn't believe it. Nestled inside was an amazingly beautiful ring... gold filigree antiqued setting with a large... very large to me as I don't often wear large stones... emerald cut London Blue Topaz. Each time I sneaked a peek into the box it grabbed the light and sparkled at me... to the very depths of the stone... clear and flawless... beautiful. I hugged him...kissed him... told him I was amazed and so grateful for this beautiful present. I'd had NO idea... not the tiniest clue that he was doing that. The ring fit perfectly... how did he DO that? He must have taken one of my other rings in order to know the correct size... which means that he was working on this more than just that day... there was fore thought and planning to pull this off. That he would spend time and energy working on this was what meant so much to me. That he remembered me telling him... oh goodness... months if not a year before... that I wanted a ring with a stone like that to match the london blue topaz pendant I've been wearing for years... it just blew me away. It still does. I wear that ring and every time I look at it I smile... and I make sure to let him know how much it means to me whenever I can.
At least two or three times a week my B makes the time, in his irregular and unpredictable work schedule, to spend extra time during the day with me. He takes me to lunch or to breakfast whenever he has the money and we sit across from eachother talking about all kinds of things. B is making a conscious effort to SHARE with me... he's not naturally the type to reveal his thoughts to anyone... he's happy being alone, but he makes the effort to spend time with me because he knows I'm NOT happy being alone, and that I need that closeness. If I'm feeling down he teases me into a better mood. If I'm not feeling well I tend to whine... which I know he doesn't like so I try to tone it down a bit, but he makes himself tolerate it... I see the conscious effort... and he asks me what's wrong and he tries to help me feel better. He actually worries about me... and B has never been the type to worry openly about anyone, yet he lets me know that he does worry and think about me... which in itself makes me feel better... makes me feel loved.
If B stops at the store to buy cigarettes or soda he usually will buy me something too... an apple pie because he knows I love them, or some knick knack he thinks I'll like... which I usually do, and he's like a kid when giving it to me... hoping he's done good... hoping to see me smile and be happy, and when I am, his face looks content... his eyes shine love at me, and he's happy too.
I could go on and on at the things B does for me... at the way he makes me feel loved and cherished and safe. I'm not saying we don't have our arguments or differences of opinion... of couse we do, and those are not comfortable or happy times for me because I'm still too co-dependent... my happiness is too closely related to his... but we get over it quickly, and we almost always talk it out so as not to retain resentments. I see that as positive.
Another blessing is... and I almost don't want it to be because I've wanted to leave for some time now... my job. My bosses are happier with me now... how could they not be... I'm living at the office and working, literally here in the office, 24 hours a day. They're making more money... always a good thing... and they know whatever needs taking care of will be done promptly because I'm HERE. My job allows me the freedom to come and go as I like most of the time, which means I can shoot over to the house site whenever I need to for inspections or whatever problems arise.
My bosses do show their appreciation for my attentions to the company and my extra time actually sitting in the office, which is a good thing. They're not charging us to stay here, so we are able to get rid of some old bills that we've previously avoided dealing with, and we're able to put a little money in the bank for a rainy day. They also paid me for three days that I was out... extra days off with pay that don't count toward my vacation time, which is greatly appreciated. B and I were able to take a trip to Texas to see his daughter and two grand daughters... it was only three days, but we hadn't seen them in almost 2 years (since his daughters wedding), so it was a wonderful trip, and something both he and his daughter really needed.
Well, I could go on counting my blessings, but I'll let that be sufficient for now. It's already after 1 am, and I'm really tired... normally I stay up later than this, but last night I worked to 3 am and then had to be in court this morning at 9 am, and then actually worked all day today, so... I'm beat. I'm working on getting around to everyone here in blog land... it's slow going because I like to catch up on each space, but I'll eventually do it all. I'll write more soon.
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