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3/22/2009 CHANGESAs I think of the last year and a half of my life I realize that I've not only gone through a lot of changes, physically and emotionally, but also in how I look at life, in how I plan my future, and with regard to what I will and will not accept in my life now.
As for physical changes, I went through a pregancy... that was VERY interesting. Getting a bigger tummy than I already have was not such a horrid thing, though being able to legitimately wear maternity clothes was fun... I could finally answer YES to the "are you expecting" question... which I've been asked many times by many people over the years... just because of the way I carry my extra poundage... much of it around my middle. That was a dreaded question for so long... and then I wanted people to ask... I would volunteer the info if those around me just glanced with a question in their eyes... proud to finally be able to say I was pregnant.
Strangely enough, though I guess it's because I was so careful with what I ate and drank while I was pregnant, I actually was thinner after giving birth (well, cesaerean birth) than I was before. I was thinner than I'd been in years, and it felt good. All my clothes were big and hanging on me, and despite my swolen abdomen (which I was told was completely normal and would last from a couple of months to a year before it went down to normal again) I was still smaller. Yay! If other changes in my life hadn't taken over my life, I might have kept it off... however... that didn't happen, and I gained it all back within about 6 months.
As for how I've changed emotionally... well, the focus of my life has shifted... it's not me, or my husband any more... now everything is for, because of, in mind of, planning for, and living for my son. Should I buy these shoes? Well, first, do we have enough diapers, wipes, his favorite foods, snacks... then household groceries, then gas in the car, then bills paid... and by then, the answer is no... there isn't enough money. The thing is though, I don't mind. As long as my little Doo has what he needs, everything else can be worked out or done without... and I don't mind. I would think I'd resent it, but I don't... I actually like knowing that if I'm not getting stuff, it's because my little man is.
Prior to Dillon's birth I would just do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. If bills had to wait because I felt like using my money to take a weekend trip, then so be it. If I was living with $5 in my pocket for a week because I was making up for misspending money the week before, that was ok because it was just me and I could make do with whatever I had in the fridge and cabinets to eat, and put my last dollar in the gas tank to get back and forth to work. If I had a few extra dollars I could buy family birthday and holiday gifts and it was no big deal... I felt good doing it.
Now it's different. I didn't worry about anything before... not material things anyway. I didn't care what neighborhood I lived in... it was just me. I didn't care who I hung out with... it only affected me, and I am grown up enough and independant enough to listen to and absorb what I want and disregard or discard what I don't. Whether or not I had a successful career didn't affect anyone but myself... whether or not I had a job with benefits didn't matter either... I'd worry about that when I got older and needed medical care on a regular basis... I could handle my diabetes myself. Now all of those things DO matter because I have a son. I care where he's raised and around whom. I care what he hears and sees around him. I care that I don't have a long lasting career that will provide for him for years to come. I care that I have no health insurance and so have to rely on state programs for his health care (thank goodness Georgia has good programs for children). I care that I have no life insurance to make him comfortable if something happens to me. I care that my diabetes is not as under control as it should be... as it would be with regular doctor's visits... because it affects my energy level and my mentality, and that spills over to what I have or don't have to offer my Dillon each day.
I used to worry all the time about my husband and his attitudes... what he'd want me to do or not do... how he was going to react to something I did, or something I'd said... what he wanted and when... not obsessed, but constantly aware of his needs and desires so that I could, first, please him (so that he would love me more), and second, avoid conflict or fights (so that he would love me more and I didn't have to deal with the emotional pain of the discord). Now, I don't worry so much about him.
I don't really care if we have conflicts, or if he's completely happy with me or not... it doesn't matter as much as making sure my child is raised in love and peace. If there are difficulties between B and I, I don't want them expressed around or in front of my son... I don't want that in his head, so now, if B gets angry, I remove myself and my Doo from the area and leave B to stew in his own anger. If he's unhappy with something, I think for a minute to determine if it's my fault or not, I don't just assume it is any more... if it's his own hang up or something I am not responsible for or able to change easily, I either tell him that I can't or am not willing to do anything about it and leave it up to him to handle after that, or I just ignore him completely and concentrate on making sure my child is stress free and happy.
Sometimes it's difficult to do that... B has a very harsh tone to his voice just naturally, so when he's angry or upset, even if he's not actually yelling, his voice can sound very angry and stern... and I see it affect Dillon. Even when B is just yelling at the dog (always using terms that I'd rather my son not hear on a regular basis... thing's like "I'll KILL you Elvis (dogs name)... I'll just KILL you!!" or he'll say "I'll bust you in the mouth Elvis" or sometimes, in a kind of stern mocking tone, not just to the dog, but even to Dillon sometimes "Are you crazy or something? HUH? You crazy?". He says he's just teasing... just saying stuff fooling around that he doesn't mean, but I don't like those terms going into my son's very impressionable sponge of a brain.
B just thinks I'm ragging on him... that all I do is look for reasons to disapprove of him... he gets all offended when I point out the inappropriate terms saying, that's who he is, and he's sorry that I don't like who he is. I tell him that it's not WHO he is, because who he is happens to be a nice decent guy, it's who he acts like... it's how he expresses himself without thinking... it's a throw back to who he used to be, who he used to have to "put out there" for self preservation when he was running with a really rough crowd.
I suppose there are things I put up with before from B... things that really didn't affect me much anyway, so who cared whether he did them or not? For example, all the shows he likes to watch are violent... Dog the Bounty Hunter, Cops, Ultimate Fighting, Prison stories, etc. In the past, I'd just go into another room... or get on the computer, and leave him to watch those things. Now, if the baby is awake, I don't want him watching them... I don't want that kind of stuff being absorbed into my child's brain... especially not at this age... these are his formative years and I'd prefer his mind be filled with educational things, or shows appropriate for a toddler's mind... and I insist on that, which really upsets B.
In the past I put up with, though I made sure B understood I was upset by it, many comments B would make that were very racial in nature. Saying he's "not going to Walmart... that place is slap full of Mexicans", or some other comment that specifically mentioned color, or race or nationality, always bothered me, and I let him know it, but it didn't make much difference, he'd do it anyway... kindof laughing as if it were a joke, but making statements as if they were truths. I argued so many times with him over it, and he always would say he wasn't prejudiced... I would argue that just to have to mention a persons color, race, nationality or religion in relation to who they were, or how they believed, or something they did or didn't do WAS prejudiced and/or judgmental... no matter what he said. People are just people I'd say, and there is never a reason to have to pidgeon hole them or assume they were one way or another based on their color, race, nationality or religion... we are all just children of GOD.
Now I actually get angry whenever he makes those comments... especially in front of my son... I don't want my child growing up thinking like that, and hearing it will put it in his head. B gets upset at me for mentioning it, and he says I misunderstand, he's just fooling around, or he doesn't mean it "that way"... well, Doo is a baby, he doesn't know how to separate... he can'd discern what is inappropriate or not. Unfortunately, B just thinks it's one more thing for me to rag on him about... one more thing I don't like about him... one more thing for me to try to change about him.
A whole new world of worry has opened up for me. I know much is beyond my control, and I'm trying to learn not to stress about those things... the state of the economy in this country and where we're headed politically - I never cared before... I just lived my life the best I could and left all that silly stuff to the politicians and economists. I worry that we might end up in worse wars than we have in a long time and the government will have a draft again and my poor son will be just the right age when it happens (why am I worrying about something that might never happen, and if it does, would be 18 or more years from now?). I think about the killings in schools across the country... stray bullets from drive bys... drunk drivers... corner drug dealers... people in the neighborhood who might have meth labs in their homes which would, on a windy day, affect my sons health... corrupt and or perverted educators or authority figures who might affect my son adversely... the list goes on. I never gave much thought to those things before I had Dillon... I mean, I thought about them and anguished over the disgraceful state of affairs, but not in relation to me or anyone I knew and loved... not with personal fear.
I know that GOD has watched over me all my life. HE has kept me from doing things with negative, long lasting results. HE has directed me to persons I could help, persons who could help me, and to living in places where I was relatively safe, or oblivious to the potential dangers. I have been blessed to have wonderful people in my life... some who hurt me, yes, but even those persons were blessings to me in one way or another, and I learned something from everything and everyone in my life.
I know that GOD has given me my little miracle baby... that HE will continue to watch out over me, and of course, now, over my little man also. I know that the knowledge of that truth should make me less worried and less concerned... but the imperfect human that I am still can't help but worry or stress over so much. I wish I were strong enough to just turn it all over to GOD and let HIM take care of it all... but I'm not. Not any more. Having my son somehow took the self confidence I had and made it a mush. Where before I just KNEW everything would be fine, now I KNOW it, but... what if? I don't doubt GOD or his abilities... but I doubt myself, and so I worry.
I'm sure as time goes on I'll find a healthier balance to all of this, and I know I'll be making my decisions based on (1) What the correct thing to do is in GOD's eyes (as far as I know) and (2) What's the best thing for my son... everything else will fall into place, I hope.
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