Edith's profileYonder - I Found It!PhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
3/15/2009 MIRACLES DO HAPPENKnowing I was actually pregnant changed my whole life. First, I began to try to analyze HOW it had finally happened. Why now? What had I done different? Third husband's a charm? Was it the fact that almost all the sexual relations between B and I was with me on top (that's another issue entirely, but basically, his knees are messed up so variety of position is practically non existant... sigh... I miss the variety)? Was all the partying he and I were doing somehow responsible for changing my chemical makeup or something (and about all that partying... I certainly hoped I hadn't damaged my baby... I would have all the tests... every one of them possible... to make sure he was going to be ok... wow... I was scared!)? Did I somehow change my acidity (I couldn't remember eating differently).
I counted back to when I got pregnant and the most logical time (actually the ONLY time I could come up with) was the first week when we'd moved into our new home... first week in April... just before mom came to visit, and she stayed in the new house without electricity while B and I were still, mostly, living at my job. B and I had stayed in the house for four days before mom arrived and we'd "baptized" the house... a lot. Then I counted the days to when I should give birth, and the doctor's estimate was January 17th, and mine was December 17th... I knew my son would be born on that day.
The only thing I could come up with that was different... that could account for my finally being pregnant... and pregnant enough that no amount of worrying could cause me to emotionally abort or miscarry this child, was that I had prayed to God. Seriously. In December of 2006 I just knew I was pregnant although my ept test was inconclusive... not dark enough to be a definite positive, but not blank either. I was soooo thrilled. I hadn't told anyone for fear I would lose it like I had the others, and I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. I calculated how pregnant I thought I was... over 8 weeks I thought, I had waited to tell B. Once I told him, he made sure I made an appointment at the Health Department... the soonest they could see me was two weeks away unless I wanted to wait in long lines. I told my sister, and my mom... I'd made it to almost 3 months.. I just knew I was going to have this one. The morning I went to the appointment I told B I was terrified they would tell me I wasn't pregnant any more... I had woken up with a sinking feeling in my body, and I didn't FEEL pregnant any more... but that had to just be fear... nerves... I was being silly.
I went anyway and they said I wasn't pregnant. I was hysterical... couldn't even drive out of the parking lot. I called B and sobbed into the phone... he was sympathetic and offered to come get me... I pulled myself together and drove to his office where he held me for a while, assured me we would try again, and told me that I'd have to pray to God if I wanted to have a baby. Later that day I began my menstruation.
I called my mom, my sister, and my aunt... and every one of them, in their own words, told me that I'd have to forgive myself for the abortion I'd had when I was 20, and I'd have to ask God's forgiveness and ask him for a child if I were ever to carry to term. Everyone was convinced that my many miscarriages were a matter of emotional trauma and self-punishment. It was really the only explanation as the many doctors I'd seen told me that there was nothing wrong with me... I should be able to conceive and carry to term.
I wandered around in agonized shock for a couple of weeks. Then one day I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Health Department where I'd gone to visit B - he was overseeing some workers there or waxing a floor... something that weekend, and I just broke down again, remembering the last time I had been in that parking lot. I started crying at the remembrance of my lost children... and I cried over the loss of the baby I'd murdered years before by having an abortion. There was no medical reason for me to kill that child, and at the time I knew what I was doing... I knew I was killing a gift from God. My reasons for doing so seemed important at the time, but looking back they were selfish and unrealistic, and I could never forgive myself for doing it.
The voices and advice of the people who love me began echoing in my head. My sister telling me that I was going to have to forgive myself... my mom telling me the same thing and that I'd have to ask God's forgiveness and leave it in His hands... B telling me that God loves me, and that I'm a good person, and that if I believed in God's grace I would have my baby... my aunt telling me that even if I couldn't forgive myself I had to ask God to forgive me because it was His forgiveness I needed in order to carry a baby to term.
With big fat tears of remorse coursing down my cheeks and my eyesight blurred so that all I saw was a kind of blue blurry light I knelt down mentally before GOD, and placing my hands on the stearing wheel and my head bent I begged GOD from the depths of my being... with my whole heart and soul... I cried out to HIM to forgive me for killing the child HE'd given me so many years before. I told HIM I knew I was not worthy of forgiveness... and that I knew I had killed that child... that I knew it was a child from conception, even back then, and that I knew my reasons back then were terrible and selfish, but that I couldn't carry the weight of the guilt any longer... it was eating me up and affecting every aspect of my life... I couldn't move on so I had to ask GOD to take the pain from me. I said, if HE felt I could be a good mom, perhaps HE could let me have a child... just one would be fine... before it was physically too late for me to do so as I was already 41 years old. I promised to raise it according to the guidelines HE laid out, and I told HIM I realized I didn't deserve HIS forgiveness, and I wouldn't blame HIM if HE didn't think I deserved a baby, but if HE thought it was ok to give me one I'd do right this time, and I'd be the happiest person in the world and praise HIM and HIS kindness to everyone I met.
I relaxed for the first time in years. All of a sudden, a feeling of peace and calm swept over me. I knew I'd been forgiven. Now it was up to GOD... I didn't have to think about it any more... and I didn't. Really truly, I stopped trying to get pregnant. I didn't wonder if I was pregnant the moment B and I were intimate... I didn't beat myself up every day over the abortion any more... I had given it to GOD. I just gave up the fight. I was truly ok with it if GOD decided I didn't deserve to be a mother... I wouldn't blame HIM a bit.
Over the next couple of months B and I concentrated on getting our new house put together and I looked forward to my mom's visit.
After we were in the new house I concentrated on setting it up, and on my job, and on B. We were happy, still partying and having fun, and doing relatively well financially. My aunt moved out here and I helped her get a job with my company so that she could live in the office while she looked for a house to buy. She and I drove all over north Georgia looking at homes and land. We spent hours scouring web sites for new listings and reduced prices.
I began to feel really yucky all the time. It got worse and worse. I was naseus all the time... every time I ate I felt like I was stomach sick and wanted to throw up. My body began to ache everywhere and I began to have stomach pains.. shooting pains that I couldn't attribute to anything. My mind got fuzzy and I had trouble concentrating, and I began to make silly mistakes at work... nothing earth shattering, but uncharacteristic for me. I was exhausted constantly... just after I'd wake up from a full night's sleep I'd be worn out again. I began taking naps whenever I could get them. I became excessively gassy... burping all the time no matter what I ate... my aunt even commented on it and we had quite a few moments of hysterical laughter over it. I started having heart burn no matter what I did, so I carried Tums with me all the time and I started trying to pay more attention to what I ate and when.
I'd described my symptoms to my aunt and she asked if I could be pregnant... I said no, that wasn't possible, and I didn't give the possibility another thought. I talked to my mom about my symptoms and she asked if I could be pregnant... I said no, I didn't think I could get pregnant ever again, and I didn't think about it again... same with my sister, and my sister in law... I actually got upset that everyone kept asking me if I could be pregnant... didn't they all know that wasn't possible anymore?
I put my symptoms into the computer... on the web md site, and it suggested gall bladder - well, could be... my sister and aunt both had had theirs out. It suggested appendix... well, could be... I did have sharp pains sometimes where they indicated, and my stomach was a little hard on the side there. It suggested cancer - well, everyone in my family has that capability... it's hereditary isn't it? Paternal grandfather died of lung cancer... cousin had cervical cancer... maternal grandmother had cervical cancer... and some of the "great" relatives had had it too, I thought. It suggested pregnancy... nope... that one wasn't possible.
I literally, completely and ultimately dismissed any and all suggestions or possibilities that I could be pregnant. That had to be GOD blocking the possibilities from my mind so that I couldn't worry this child gone... so that I couldn't cause an emotional miscarriage before the baby had an opportunity to get really entrenched in my womb. How amazing is GOD? Really... to be delivered from such self condemnation so completely that my body underwent such a drastic change resulting in my not only getting pregnant, but in staying pregnant. I didn't go to a doctor to find out what was wrong with me until I was 16 weeks pregnant. GOD is amazing. I can never thank HIM enough... I can never stress enough how humbled I am at HIS graciousness and kindness to me.
Wow, this is a long story, huh? I have more to tell... especially right after we found out I was pregnant... so much happened so quickly... I'll write more tomorrow. I'll have to kind of wind it up tomorrow or wait until I come back to work again next Thursday night.
Thanks for reading this, and for all the support I've been given over the years by all my lovely blogging friends.
TrackbacksThe trackback URL for this entry is: http://40shopintravler.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!CBE8CEF234BA1C25!1028.trak Weblogs that reference this entry
|
|
|
