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3/14/2009 PURE JOYI am perfectly aware that children are an incredible responsibility. I know that as the years progress I will experience the depths of despair and incredible confusion over things my son does and does not do. I have been told by many parents of the trials and tribulations that are part and parcel to the raising of good, not so good, and terrible children... who are loved and adored and doted on regardless of how they turn out - always room for redemption and all that.
I must say... Dillon is almost 15 months old (on the 16th) and I am having the time of my life! I always knew I wanted to be a mama... I wanted it when I was younger so that I could play with my children (I planned on having 13 if I could manage it)... however, GOD had other ideas.
To continue my previous story of the day I found out I was miraculously pregnant...
The technician returned to roll me back down the hallway to the tiny waiting room to face the nice doctor. A million things were going through my mind. First and foremost, running in a never ending loop around my brain was the biggest prayer of thanksgiving I'd ever said... it was the most heartfelt... from the depths of my soul I kept "hearing" myself say (sometimes out loud and all the time in a silent scream inside) "THANK YOU GOD!!! I PROMISE TO RAISE THIS CHILD IN YOUR TEACHINGS... THANK YOU GOD!!! HOW CAN I THANK YOU ENOUGH? THANK YOU MY ALMIGHTY WONDERFUL INCREDIBLE LOVING AND FORGIVING GOD!!! THANK YOU FOR FORGIVING ME... THANK YOU FOR MY BEAUTIFUL PRESENT... THANK YOU FOR MY MIRACLE!!!"
Not one minute after I got there the sweet roly poly doctor came in with a huge smile on his face. He said, matter of factly, "I told you! Do you believe me now? (I nodded silently and smiled... probably the biggest smile of my life.) I have the results of your ultrasound and your baby looks fine. You are 16 weeks pregnant." I gasped... What? 16 weeks? Four months pregant? How... I couldn't... wow!! Are you sure? Really? He smiled at me with his ultra bright white smile and looked kindly at me through his round wire rimmed glasses.
I asked if I could call my husband and tell him the news. B had called once since I'd gotten to the hospital almost 5 hours before and had asked me to keep him informed as to my condition. I was still angry at him for leaving me there all alone, and for not taking me in the first place, so I determined that I would tell him what I wanted, when I wanted, and he could just deal with that. If he wanted to know more he could make the effort and come down to the hospital and talk to the doctors on my behalf as any decent, caring, loving man SHOULD do when his wife is in the hospital... for any reason. I figured NOW was a good time to let him know my "condition"... I actually DID have a "condition"... imagine that!
I got B on the phone and told him he might want to come down there and talk to the doctor himself. He sounded scared and asked me what was wrong... I took piti on him... once I heard his concerned voice I couldn't keep him in the dark any longer. I said "the doctors are telling me I'm pregnant... actually 16 weeks pregnant. (Sharp indrawn breath on the other end of the phone and then silence) You might want to come down yourself and hear it first hand." "Ill be right there". he said, and hung up.
B showed up a few minutes later and heard what the doctor had to say. I was beaming... glowing... ecstatic. B was... silent. I asked him if he was happy and he said he was happy for me. That was a bit of a downer... after all a wife likes to hear that the father of her baby is as happy as she is... and when the response is a forced "happy for you"... it's a bit of a wet blanket. Not much could get me down though... not for long. I was so incredibly happy that the thought "oh well, if he's not happy, that's his problem... I don't need him... if he wants out, he can have out... I'll raise this baby myself" just materialized all at once... all together into a single thought, and B's less than enthusiastic response was dismissed as inconsequential.
B went back to work. I called my aunt and she was overjoyed for me. I called my sister and she was flabergasted and crying with happiness for me... it was so hard for those in my life who had suffered with me over the years because of my failed attempts to become a mother to embrace the news as permanent. I'd lost too many in the past. Everyone was afraid to hope for me. I began to work at convincing them (and myself, I think) that THIS time was for real... THIS time I hadn't found out at 4 weeks, or 6 weeks... I'd been oblivious (thank you GOD again) for a whole 16 weeks... the baby was permanent now... it wasn't going anywhere.
The next day I enrolled in Medicare (they'll give free healthcare to a pregnant woman, regardless of age - thank GOD) and signed up for WIC which would give me free cheese, cereal, milk and eggs during my pregancy, a class to learn how to breast feed, a class on how to put a car seat in properly (and be given one for $10 just for taking the class), and scheduled my first ultrasound (that I would get to watch) for a week away (the soonest they had).
Every agency I contacted signed me up immediately... I was considered a very high risk pregnancy. Being overweight, diabetic (uncontrolled) and 41 years old made me and my baby high priority. The doctors I met were wonderful. They got me to regulate my sugars immediately.... it took me only one month to bring my sugars down from an average of 260 to an average of 100. I quit smoking the day I found out I was pregnant, and I began taking pregnancy vitamins immediately. NOTHING was going to hurt my baby... especially not me.
My aunt accompanied me to my first ultrasound appointment... B had to work. I was happy to have her with me... actually preferred she be there to share in my elation... I knew she wouldn't bring me down and I knew she was truly happy about it. We went into the room when called and met Dr. A. He was a very nice man, well groomed and slightly distracted, but very kind, and almost embarassed when having to examine me... it was actually kind of sweet seeing as he probably sees 50 people a day... most of whom are pregnant women, I'm sure. He explained that they would tape the session and get pictures and video on DVD for me to take home.... YAY!!!
I held my breath as they (the doctor and his assistant) spread goopy stuff on my tummy and began to manipulate a flanged wand over my abdomen... a bit low, I thought... and I caught a glimpse of what looked like a bean with a big head on the monitor. I stopped breathing. I waited... searching the screen as my eyes got blurry with the tears that had welled up in them and were now sliding silently out of the corners, down my cheeks and into my hair as I laid there straining to see. I heard my aunt gasp and she started to half laugh half cry as she was able to identify the baby. The doctor was impressed at how clearly the baby was outlined, and he began clicking and typing furiously into his computer... taking pictures and indicating things with highlighted arrows... "This is the heart... sounds about right... here... here we have the spine... that string of pearls there... see it? Ok... here is the head... let me get a measurement so we can better determine the age... see these dark areas? The eyes... and here a nose.... that's an arm... looks like it's waving doesn't it..." As the doctor continued his analysis and continued explaining, my aunt and I were holding hands and marveling.... there was a BABY in me... a real BABY. Wow. Really... WOW!
After the exam I went straight to B's office hoping he was there... the DVD burning a hole in my hand. I got there, bustled him out of his seat and popped it into the laptop on his desk. After setting it up I sat him down and pushed the play button. That's when it hit B that he was about to be a father again. I saw it when it hit him. BAM!!! It was a physical shock to him. He smiled weakly at me... through his own tears. He reached out for me and pulled me to his side and placed one hand on my tummy while the other one hit the 'play' button again.... there was our baby... clear as could be... a perfect outline of the side view of a child, and then the front of a face staring at us... and a hand waving... and an arrow pointing to a spot where it said "boy". They weren't definite, but it was fairly obvious that our child was going to be a boy.
I e-mailed copies to everyone I knew... and I'm pretty sure several people I didn't know. I printed copies of the still shots and carried them with me everywhere... showed strangers my miracle baby in lines at the super market... praised GOD to everyone who would listen, and even to those who would rather not have listened and who rolled their eyes when they thought I wasn't looking, but who couldn't help but be swept away in my excitement by the end of my story... no one could resist feeling great after hearing my miraculous story... my baby was blessing people before it was even born. Before HE was even born. No one in my path escaped the story... the joy exuding from me was palpable. My life was perfect. Almost.
To be continued.
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