Silent Cries

It's the beauty of the written word
that lets me be anyone;
Step outside my limitations...
live another life in my mind.
It's the wonder of the spoken word
luring me down strange pathways;
Consider different avenues...
the choice of that fork in the road.
It's the mystery of a whisper
so softly it draws me out;
simple, beckoning suggestions
leading me away from myself.
It's the terror in total silence
that tears into my conscience;
knowing I'm not who I present...
avoiding my true, lonely self.
It's the scream bursting from deep within
that shatters my silent cries.
I've leapt outside my boundaries...
Wide eyed, frantic, am I revealed?

Copyright ©2006 Edith M Babin

That's the name I publish under... it's my maiden name, and it's kind of a family thing.  I had a great Aunt Mercedes who was very famous in Puerto Rico and always published under her maiden name... our family name, Babin.  She's written books and has a part of some museum or something in Puerto Rico dedicated to her since her death.  She used to teach at the University there and my family is very proud of her...my dad and aunts are mentioned by name in one of her books and so are forever immortalized in literature... they're very proud of that too.

I'm getting really wigged out about this new format and stuff on here... every time I come back something else is different... don't think I'm the one changing things on my space... believe me, I haven't had the time.  The size of the font is different... "NORMAL" size used to be a little smaller than this... but the one that says "smaller" is too small...even for me, and my eyesight is fine (if I'm wearing my contacts).  Then this whole space thing... sometimes one inserted line seems a mile wide, and sometimes it's not.  I'm confusticated again.    Oh well... I'll get it one of these days.

I wonder, do most people feel like no matter how honest or open they are that somehow, because of all the thoughts in their heads that they don't express... the times when a "smart ass" comment leaps to mind but they don't say it, or those times when inside their heads they're just screaming at someone... for whatever reason, but in real life they're not... they're just going on with life like a normal person... do they think, especially then, like I sometimes do, that they're being somehow "fake"?  That because they think twice before saying things... expressing themselves in another, perhaps kinder way, that they're not showing who they really are?  I feel that way, once in a while.

It's not that I'm lying to anyone... I'm just not speaking my true mind I guess.  I think it's so that I don't hurt the other person's feelings, or sometimes so that others don't think I'm some kind of looney person who can't keep control of themselves or their emotions.  My counselor says that by doing that I'm "arguing with the person in my head and if they can't hear it how do I expect anything to change".  Well.  I guess that's a valid point, but are there people out there who can just... blurt out things as they think them?  I used to get in trouble about that as a kid.

I remember that I'd just say how I felt all the time, and I'd be told I had no tact... I'd be told that if I couldn't say something nice not to say anything at all.  In my earlier marriages, if I felt differently from my now ex-husbands I'd get berated... I was told I was stupid or that I didn't know what I was talking about, or that no one cared how I thought, and it was going to be such and such a way no matter what.  I guess I just stopped revealing how I really feel... pretty much to almost anyone.  I wait now... to see what is really going on around me with the people in my life, and I try not to say anything that's going to be controversial, or result in people saying things to me that make me feel inferior or like I'm speaking out of place.  I'm being told that's very co-dependent behavior... I'm sure it is, but the alternative... either being told I'm somehow wrong or stupid, or that I'm hurting someone with what I think or feel... well, I don't like that.

I'm sure at some point I'm going to find some kind of happy medium, but in the meantime, I'm just going to continue to try to evaluate which are the right times and which are the wrong times to be able to talk... to be able to be honest about what I'm thinking or feeling, rather than saying "oh, I'm ok... no I'm not upset... I'm just fine... yeah, everything is great... no, you didn't hurt my feelings... no, you didn't do anything wrong... really"... which is most often NOT the truth, but to speak out the details of how I'm really feeling would cause some kind of adverse reaction, and I hate conflict.

The only times I can really be myself are in poetry.  I used to write it all the time, and in the most emotional times of my life I still do turn out a few, but I've not been writing as much as I should.  It's such a release.  I can't say things much of the time, but I could be writing them more often.  I think I'm going to have to give myself more time to do that, and I hope, with time, that those closest to me in life can understand me better, and I them, and I'll find a way to communicate verbally in a way that doesn't offend or hurt anyone.