In reading over some of my entries, and reviewing some of the older entries, I’ve realized that, as in life, I have carried one of my worst traits into blog land… procrastination.  I’d like to remedy that, though I know that even with the best of intentions, I won’t be consistent forever… but I can try.

There are several stories I’ve left unfinished here… there’s the continuation of the “Rebellion” sequel I had going for a while, I never finished telling everyone about my Thanksgiving “Christmas” trip to Seattle, and of course, there’s this whole “house” thing I’m in the middle of now.  I’m sure there are more, but those are the ones that stick out to me.

First, everything is fine here.  B is working all the time.  I’m working all the time (how can I NOT when I’m LIVING at work?)  Precious (my Chihuahua) is doing ok… I have her on a diet because even though everyone in this family is a bit overweight, she’s gotten a little out of hand, and it’s affecting her energy level.  She’s not sure why she’s not getting any more human food, but I think all in all she’s ok with the food she gets… I make sure to mix a little bit of soft food with her hard crunchies so she thinks she’s getting a treat.

Both Simon and Earl are still being “cat sat” at a friend’s house.  I can’t have them here at the office because my boss is allergic to cats, and really, there are too many opportunities for them to get out, which would not be good as there are busy streets here.  I visit them, and though Earl has become a bit distant lately (I think he’s beginning to forget me… he was so young still when we had to leave him at our friend’s house) Simon hasn’t.  He knows it’s just temporary, and every time I visit he comes around me right away and he sits at the glass door watching me when I leave with a look on his face that clearly says “WHEN do I get to go HOME?”

As far as the house goes, it’s one thing and another… and another… and another… you can keep going.  It was delivered during our wettest day… rain pouring down hard all previous night, and while they were “placing” it on the footers (the footers were poured but the blocks were not there yet forming the piers… believe it or not, they put the blocks in under the house AFTER they put the house in place… and of course, didn’t use one ounce of cement to hold them together… they’re just stacked on top of one another… yeah, THAT’s going to be really stable and last a long time!).

The grader built the land under the house by taking down the hill to one side and moving it to the other… piling up the dirt and making a platform for the house.  Once again, I’m so THRILLED about that!  I foresee LOTS of land settling problems in our near and distant future which will result in our having to have the house re-leveled periodically so as not to be living on a slant… but of course ME saying anything about it is just me meddling… UGH!

We did a “check for water damage” walk through last week, and I felt sooooo bad when I saw my B’s face.  This is supposed to be his dream come true… a home of his own for the first time in his life.  What we found is just not fair to him or his dream.

There is water damage… the two back bedrooms were flooded from the ceiling to the carpet… the light fixtures in those rooms and in the hall outside of them are literally dripping water… even as I type here, STILL.  The carpets and the padding under them was saturated, and as nothing has been done about it, has by now seeped into the flooring below them, which I’m worried will cause expansion of the wood, and later on, mold and mildew, and floor squeaking.  We did tell the contractor, and he came out and took pictures so he could go back to the manufacturer and get it fixed, which he said he would do, but really… it’s so disappointing right at the start.

Almost every door inside has a cracked and/or peeling door frame.  Some of the trim on the walls and around the doorways is pulling away from the wall or just not nailed down properly.  There are supports missing under the shelving in the closets.  Although the house is supposedly leveled, none of the doors close properly… either they swing open or closed all by themselves, or they don’t fit properly at all… including the front door, which won’t close, and the back door which is stuck shut, unevenly, and can’t be opened or closed properly.

The porch is not joined properly and has unevenly joined pillars.  The eaves all around the house look like they were finished with scraps of materials left over from other jobs, and some of it doesn’t even cover the wood.  There are light fixtures which are wrong within the house, and the ceiling fans for the porch are not there… lights are affixed instead.  The front door is supposed to be a full 36” steel door, and it’s not… it’s a (I think) 28” instead.

Well, I could go on with the things that are wrong or missing, but I’d be a while.  Supposedly the manufacturers are meeting the contractor and B out there at the house tomorrow to discuss it all and the fixing of it… I don’t want to be there.  I might say things that would be antagonistic and I know B would be upset if I did.  I have to leave it up to him to get fixed.  I hope he does.  He’s so disappointed about it all that I think he’s done being politically correct now, which he’s been all along… which has irritated me BIG time!

Well, I’ve got to go, but I wanted to get a little something in here with an update.  As for the other stories I’ve left unfinished, I’m going to attempt to finish them soon.  I also have more to tell… there’s the wonderful Elephant pictures I’ve taken that I want to share, the trip to Texas that I have pictures for also, and a new puppy I need to tell you all about (he’s soooooo cute!)

I’m going to try to get around and see everyone too… hopefully tonight.  Have a wonderful day!

Yay!  They’ve gotten our permits… finally!  Now things should go much quicker… hopefully.  I still find it interesting that they want B to close on the house loan before there’s a house there.  It’s not like it’s a construction loan or anything like that… we’re buying a manufactured home. 

Aren’t they supposed to do the grading, footings, driveway, put in the septic tank and the water lines, put in the house and then attach everything, including the electric lines before we can say, uh, yup, we had enough money to do all this and now we have a product and so we can sign because we are satisfied with it?

I’ve stressed these concerns to B, but he’s so ready to be out of my office and into his home that I’m not sure he’s hearing me.  I don’t want to tell him what to do, of course… and it IS his loan and the house is going to be on his inheritance land, so really, he can do what he wants (he usually does anyway)… but I don’t want him to be ultimately disappointed or have to come up with money that wasn’t “counted on” initially.

On another note, I went to visit our kitties the other day, and YAY… they still remember me.  Of course it’s only been a little over a week since I saw them, but I was worried… especially about Earl because he’s still young and adaptable.  He is adapting… but I have to try to be happy about that because I don’t want him to be miserable either.  I’m a little appeased because he finally settled on my chest and kept head butting me and marking me and purring loudly… he still loves me.  Happy sigh.

Well, I just wanted to put in a quick update… I’ve been visiting sites I’ve neglected far too long (catching up on blogs is very time consuming… sometimes I spend quite a bit of time on just one, and then I feel I need to leave a comment on each entry…just to let the person know I read it, and it means something to me… they mean something to me).  I am actually really enjoying it, but I’ve still got lots to visit.

Have a wonderful day, and if I haven’t been by to visit you yet, those of you who I used to visit all the time (you know who you are), I’ll get there eventually, truly I will!

Hello all… I wanted to get on here and let you know that I’m alright.  Nothing bad has happened… well, nothing hurtful to me… well… I haven’t had problems with B anyway.

In my unhappiness over so much I just couldn’t bring myself to write.  I know that seems a little backward as I spend a lot of time writing through my emotions most of the time, but when the pain goes beyond words…well, there it is… beyond words.

Of course, as people always say (though you don’t believe it when they say it)… all things take time, and pain lessens as time goes on.  I can write about it now.  I’m going to do my best anyway.

I’ll just try to sum up because if I were to get into a lot of detail… well, no one would have the time to read it all, and I'd be here a REALLY long time.

First, I’ve been unable to write because I’ve been moving… again.  I think I told you how the townhouse complex we moved into after losing the house gave us a two month eviction letter because they’re tearing down the buildings to make way for some very high end condos.  Well, we had to be gone by the 14^th of January. 

A good thing, although it’s kind of a good thing/bad thing, is that we are staying at my office until the house is finally done being put on B’s land.  The good thing is that while we are here we don’t have to pay rent, electric, cable, water, trash… anything like that… my bosses just deal with the slight increases in the water and electric bills in order to have me here 24 hours a day…no other compensation was offered to me, and I didn’t ask because… well… I’m saving money by being here, so it’s kind of like being paid for my extra time.

The bad thing is that I don’t like having my every move recorded on camera.  All day long if I have to go to the bathroom, it’s on camera.  If I leave the office by the front door, it’s on camera, and even if I leave by the back door, primarily unnoticed, when I return, it has to be by the front door because I don’t have a key to the back one… and supposedly, neither does anyone else…lost… or not wanting to produce it… they like knowing where I am and what I’m doing.  At night though, I’ve discovered that if I close the door between the front office (two cameras) and the middle office (one camera) it blacks out the camera in the middle office so that if I get up in the middle of the night I can walk from the back room (studio) through the middle office to get to the bathroom without being filmed.  It doesn’t work in the day time though, because of the block windows in the middle office letting in so much light.  Oh well, I’m grateful for what little privacy I’ve got.

B and I are taking the opportunity to put one months mortgage in the bank as a “back up”… in case at some time in the next year while we’re paying this exorbitant mortgage (until he can re-finance after getting his credit rate higher) something happens and we fall behind… not that we plan to do that, but one never knows what the future brings.

We are also paying off all the little annoying bills that are weighing on us.  I’ve already sent my Aunt’s boxes… finally got that out of the way… yay!  I’ve sent most of moms boxes…I think I have only four more to go.  I paid off all the x-mass lay-a-way’s and sent all the presents I had waiting to go… the last ones were opened by my nephews exactly one month after Christmas… they loved it, and I was relieved to have finally sent it... they're used to "late" Aunt Edie by now... I think they might even prefer it... they get to have a second Christmas because of me.

I took care of an old bar tab that I couldn’t forget… the owners of the bar are so wonderful and became friends of ours back in the drinking days, and I just couldn’t stick them with it… I did it in person, and was received very warmly by them… it was nice to see them again, although their bar has burned down since I last saw them.  They’re re-building, so I think it will eventually be ok for them, but they’ve been going through some really bad times, and because I was too embarrassed to face them, I knew nothing about it.  I hope we don’t lose contact again… I went by myself as B doesn’t want to go back to his drinking territory, but they asked about him and sent messages that they want to see him… on neutral ground.  They also own a pizza place so it would be “safe” for B to see them there… I told B and he really wants to make it a point to go see them.

There are other debts we’ve put off... his music club, his truck payment (actually, that one never got behind), his bond fee, his attorney’s fees, another lay-a-way of mine, my bankruptcy lawyers fee to switch from the 13 to the 7, my GMC Jimmy payment (though I’ve been paying that one on time and even gotten ahead with it), and a couple of personal debts… all of them are being handled now and will be finally paid off by sometime in the middle of February.  It will be such a relief!

The really difficult thing for me was that I was pregnant.  As I was taking so much care not to lose the baby I was spending a lot of time in bed (this was during the time I had to be packing, which made it really difficult… to say the least… but I did it).

You notice I said “was”.  I found out, by taking a home pregnancy test, in November.  It was positive, but I didn’t want to tell anyone because I always lose them… I can never get past the first tri-mester.  I took the test just after I got back from Thanksgiving in Seattle with my family.  I waited until the end of December… it was the end of the second month and I still hadn’t lost it… to tell B… and then tell mom and my sister, brothers, dad, etc.  Everyone was very supportive and encouraging… but skeptical… and they had a right to be, given my failed attempts of the past.

I took another pregnancy test which was “inconclusive”… I took that as a positive sign… at least it wasn’t negative.  I waited a little longer to go to the doctor… it’s just seemed in the past that every time I’ve gotten pregnant I was ok until I went to the doctor.  Then either I’d miscarry right after, or something would be wrong.  Well, something was wrong, and my body had, once again, rejected the baby.  I was more devastated than usual this time because I really thought I might make it this time.  I wanted it so badly.

I broke down completely... I was certainly incoherent when telling B I wasn't pregnant anymore... I couldn't breathe.  B was extremely sweet and supportive.  He was there for me to hang on to, and he was actually optimistic about the future… that we could try again, get medical help in finding out why I keep losing them… he already has a grown daughter and two grand-daughters (he started REALLY yount), so it’s not as important to him as it is to me, but he’s being very understanding, and he’s giving it the attention he knows I need him to.  I’ve decided to try this year… if nothing happens, then I’m giving up.  I just turned 41, and after 42 the odds are just not in my favor… even those with lots of money and/or insurance face only a 15% success rate.

B is doing wonderfully.  He’s still completely 100% sober, and he’s trying really hard to be there for me.  I’m needy when it comes to my partner in life…  I’ve always been the type that likes spending a lot of time together, and I love to be able to talk to him about everything… expecting the same in return of course (though that’s not reasonable or realistic as I’ve come to find out)… however, B has been talking to me more, and has been practicing his patience and is listening to me more often.

He has been controlling his tendency toward easy bursts of anger, and when he does slip, he always apologizes right away and then does something nice to make up for it.  He’s completed his anger management course and is now taking victim impact and alcohol awareness classes.  These things were required by his probation, but I think he’s actually getting something out of them, and he doesn’t get all depressed and angry during the day he has to take them anymore… that’s a real improvement.

He says he still wants to drink, but now it’s when he thinks of taking vacations or going away or to a party… “having fun” … it’s not that he wants to drink to drown reality or get away from his problems or escape from inner pain.  Now he’s dealing with his emotions as they happen, rather than stuffing everything.  I think that the little bit more he’s sharing with me might be helping also… another outlet.  He knows that he can NEVER drink though… so he’s working hard to enjoy his time out without the alcohol… his teacher said that will take time but it will happen, and he’s content for now with that encouragement.

Oh… B lost his Grandpa two days before Christmas.  Everyone thought B would lose it… his Grandpa was more of a father to him while growing up than his dad was… but he did really well.  He was sad, and he let himself experience the emotions, rather than burying it in alcohol.

It was a very difficult time for me too because I’d gotten close to Grandpa… he’d almost taken the place of my maternal Grandpa, my paternal Grandpa, and my step dad’s father… I was lucky enough to have three sets of Grandparents.  The thing is though, all of mine are deceased.  I wasn’t there for any of the funerals.  One thing and another I guess… my step Grandpa went so fast, and I was young, and not allowed to go.  My paternal Grandpa died of lung cancer, and no one thought I should go then either… I was only about 10 or 11 years old, I think… I don’t really remember.  My maternal Grandpa died the same day I’d had a really graphic and real dream about me trying to protect him from being killed by these people who were trying to inject him with something lethal… but no one told me until after they’d buried him.

B’s Grandpa’s “viewing” was Christmas Eve and Day, and lots of people went.  He was very well known, and they have a lot of family.  I hadn’t met the majority of the family yet, and it was a very sad time to do so, but it was also interesting to see B interact with people he’d avoided for years… or who’d avoided him.

The day Grandpa died B was given an envelope that Grandpa had left him and I.  On it was a message of love and support from Grandpa, written in a really shaky almost illegible hand writing… he knew he wouldn’t make it to Christmas and had made sure to write it while he still could.  He’d given us each $100.00 for a present, and the last line on the envelope was “You know I want to hear you say Grandpa”, which was meant for me… I had to cry.

All the time Grandpa was “ok” and at home, he’d always ask me to say “Grandpa” whenever we visited… not just hello and goodbye, but sometimes just out of nowhere… he said it never sounded so good from anyone else before and he liked to hear me say it.  When he got so ill that he had to be hospitalized I spend nights there often, and he would tell me stories of his life, and he’d always ask me to say “Grandpa” here and there… I got to where I’d slip it into the conversation wherever I could, and it always made him smile or even chuckle.

When he stopped responding to most people, he’d still respond to me when I’d come in and say “Hi there Grandpa”… he’d stir and he’d smile, and he’d say “Well hello there Edith”… later on he started calling me “Grandma”, so he’d say “Hello Grandma” with a smile on his pale little face.  I’d go over and kiss his cheek and pet his bald head, smoothing down the few feathery silver grey hairs he still had, and he’d relax.  I’d re-adjust his pillows to make him more comfortable, and I got to know the best way to do it… to shift his weight from one side to another…place pillows to prop him up or help him with a pressure point that was hurting him.

Sometimes the nurses would get snapped at or even smacked away by him when he started getting confused as to where he was, and if I was there I’d lean in close and talk into his ear… saying “Grandpa, it’s ok…the nurse just needs to….” And he’d smile a tiny smile, as if it was a huge effort to do so, but he’d manage it for me, and he’d say ok and let the nurse help him, or give him a pill, or whatever.  I always made a big fuss of leaving the room whenever they were going to change him or his bed, or wash him… telling him “Grandpa, the nurses are going to …right now, so I’m going to step out… you need your privacy” and he’d say “ok, you come right back”… and I would.  If his shoulder was naked because his gown had slipped down I'd tell him to stop trying to be sexy for the nurses and I'd fix it for him...and he'd chuckle.

The day before he went to sleep and never woke up again I visited him at his home, with B, in the morning.  They’d finally let him go home with hospice care.  He was going to be home for Christmas… he’d made it to his 67^th wedding anniversary, which he was determined to do… and though he wasn’t home for that, he was going to be there for Christmas. 

All he ever said he wanted,  the whole time he was in the hospital, was to go home to his love, the partner of his life, the light in his eyes... the one woman he'd loved and been faithfull to for 67 of his 88 years... and she was as lost without him as he was without her.  To see them together was so beautiful... they'd fuss over one another and reminisce about old times... telling the same stories over and over, but it didn't matter, each and every time was interesting... a story told with love, about love. 

He’d stopped communicating with anyone… didn’t recognize most people, even his sons.  I bent down and kissed his head and petted him and said “Hey Grandpa!” and he smiled and said “Hey Grandma” in a very weak voice.  He then tried to talk to me but couldn’t make himself understood, although I tried to act like he did.  He then let me know that his memory was just fine as he told me his home phone number, after which he called out "isn't that right Lou" (grandma), and she and his son and B were there and let him know that he DID remember it.  They were impressed.  He went to sleep then.  I petted him, kissed his cheek before I left, and said "Good bye Grandpa" in his ear... and I never talked to him alive again.  B said goodbye to him too... even petted him on the shoulder and told him he loved him... and he said he'd be back later.  B didn't go back that night, which he feels really bad about, and Grandpa died at 7 am the next morning. 

I filmed the service, which was the day after Christmas, so that his son who is home bedridden and dying of cancer, B’s dad, could see it because he couldn’t attend.  It was a lovely service, and they got someone to sing the song Grandpa had told us he wanted… Auld Lang Syne.  See, Grandpa believed that old friends should never be forgotten… even after they died, and he’d tell stories of his friends he'd knows from different times during his whole life… all the time… whether they were dead or alive.

I attended Grandpa’s funeral, and it was as if I were burying my own Grandpa’s… finally.  They’d never seemed to be dead before.  It hit me really hard.  I didn't break down in public though... I saved that for private.  B was trying so hard to be brave... I didn't want to make it more difficult for him.  I called my mom and cried all over her on the phone... she was very understanding and supportive, as she usually is... I miss her so much! 

Well, I’ve been writing a long time, and I want to get this posted before I go to bed.  There is still so much to write about, and so much to tell everyone, and I really want to go visiting as well, so I’ll end this entry, and I’ll try to get back very soon.

Thank you, everyone who’s stuck by me all this time… for your concern and kindness.  Though I haven’t written, you’ve all been on my mind.  I love you all… thanks again.

I’d like to apologize for not being able to come by and visit anyone over the last week or so… well, perhaps a little longer than that.  My list of reasons (a nice way of saying “excuses”… but really, they’re true) are as follows:

1)  I got tied up, so to speak, at work… spending a little more time in the office actually working, rather than hanging out on the computer… imagine that!  Actually working.  There’s something not quite right about that.  *Grin*

2)  Grandpa (that is, B’s Grandpa… mine by marriage) has been back in the hospital since the 12^th, which means that I’m spending all my “free” time, of which there isn’t much, though I’m creating it wherever I can, at the hospital sitting with him and making sure the things that need to be done to make him comfortable are being done.

3) I’ve been preparing to go to Seattle, for a family reunion of sorts over Thanksgiving, where I’ll be staying with my brother and his wife and two kids, and seeing mom, who lives with them now... since I lost the house here.  My sister, her husband and their three kids are going to be there as well, and my other brother and his wife are going too... It will be the first time in about 4 years that all four of us kids are together, with all the children, and mom.  The last time, four years ago, that we all met it was for Christmas, and mom wasn't there, so this time is even more special.  I'll try and make sure I get pictures to share, though I'm probably not going to be IN them, as usual, so you'll just have to believe me when I say I was there.

4) I’m trying to fill up some space in my life with DOING things… rather than just sitting on my behind at the computer or watching TV.  I’m tired of being alone so much… B is always working and our schedules don’t match, so I don’t see him much, and when I do it’s mostly to talk briefly, and then watch a little TV before we collapse for the night.  I need more human interaction than that.  Even bonding has been slow so the interaction I get with clients isn't even filling the gap.

I’ve been going to ALANON, which has been interesting and somewhat helpful.  It’s only been a short time, and I only go for one hour per week (I missed this week because I was sitting with Grandpa at the hospital), but the people there are very nice… very real and genuine… I like that.  I always feel better after going, so I think I’ll continue… even though B doesn’t “understand why you want to go listen to a bunch of people complain about their problems”… it’s more than that to me, and it doesn’t sound like complaining to me… I find them very positive and supportive.  I told him he didn’t have to understand, he’s not the one going.  He agreed and said if it makes me happy then do it… so I am.

I leave on Monday to go to Seattle, and I’m looking forward to it SOOOOO MUCH!  Not only because I haven’t seen my family in a year and a half… well, part of it… the brother I’m going to visit I haven’t seen in 2 years… longer than that actually, I think.  I hate that!  I especially hate that I don’t get to see his kids… my niece and nephew, very often, and it just makes me so… I'd say "sad", but it's more than that… knowing how much of their growing up I’m missing.  That’s what happens when you live 3000 miles from your family though.

On top of losing the house and having to move into these townhouses back in September… like it was so long ago… we just received a letter from the owners of the townhouses.  We’ve been given (along with everyone else living there), 60 days to move.  They’re tearing down the apartments and building new … whatever’s there.

I am NOT a happy camper about this.  I think it’s cruel of the owner to kick everyone out at Christmas time… none of the people living there are going to be able to have a Christmas now… how evil is that?  Besides, what kind of money does the owner think his tenants make?  Who, of most of the people in this world paying rent at an apartment, can save enough money to move with… in only 2 months?  Especially while continuing to pay rent where they’re living now?  I don’t know how we’re going to do it.

I just “did” my finances on paper today… for the rest of the time between now and when we have to be out… January 14^th… and I really don’t see where there’s going to be enough money.  I’ll have enough to pay rent somewhere else, but not a deposit or anything… how is THAT going to work?

I certainly hope I make bonuses each week so I can save them too.  I don’t know why I’m so worried… it always seems to work out one way or another… it’s just a matter of having faith, I think.  Whenever I just “believe”, things come out ok.  Maybe not the way I’d prefer them to, or the way I was trying to make them come out, but generally speaking, ok.

B’s family has 7 acres of land in the middle of town.  They’ve owned it forever… or so I’ve been told.  They have their house sitting up on one end of it (picture a rectangle standing on it’s short end, which is a road, and the right hand tall end is another road, and the house sits on the bottom short end, to the left of center), close to the road, and the rest of it is to the right side, and then a long distance behind the house.  It’s not being used for anything at all, and they’ve said we’re welcome to put a house or mobile home on it if we want to… that’s been a dream of B’s forever.

We’re going to see if it’s possible.  I’ll never qualify for a loan right now… because of my recent bankruptcy.  B’s never had credit.  Of any kind… except for the electric company or BMG music club, so it’s a good thing, and a bad one too.  His credit score is good enough to get a loan, but he has no credit history to make him attractive to any lenders.  I have a wonderful mortgage broker that I hope will be able to come through.  We can’t put my name on it, but we can use my income to qualify.  She’s working on it already.

We just don’t have much time.  That’s the biggest problem I see.  It takes time to get approved, then to find a place we want, then to get it to the lot, which has to be prepared first… cleared and leveled, a driveway cut and graveled, a septic tank dug and put in, along with the leach field, hook up to the electricity, and dig for the water lines and hook up to the city water who should also put in the meter at the same time.  It sounds easy, but as with anything to do with government, there are permits and paperwork and scheduling to consider.

Apart from the fact that we don’t have much time, or money, I’m going away for a week… which is a wonderful thing, but takes out a week that I could be “hunting” for our home or making government stuff happen.  I know, I know… B will still be here, why can’t he do it?  Because he doesn’t know what to do, and the frustration of him having to bumble through it… well, lets just say it’s not worth the aggravation.

Well, I’ve got to go back to the hospital… I’m totally exhausted, and I don’t know what happened to the people who were supposed to meet me here to get their family member out of jail, but I certainly hope they call me and get him out because I need the money (I’d get a little bonus… yay!).  I guess I shouldn’t count my bonuses before they happen.  UGH!  Frustration!

I’ll try to get back on soon, and I’ll try to visit everyone as soon as I can… it may not be until I get back from Seattle though.

I hope everyone has a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!  See ya soon!

We’re just about moved in... finally! It seems as if I’ve been moving for two months already... it has been a long time, but things are put away, rather than scattered about in boxes, so I guess it was worth it, doing it slowly like this. I hate that it’s dragged on the pain of losing my home though. Each time I’ve had to go back there to pack up my empty boxes and bring another load of stuff to the new place I look around and remember.

I see again the big empty space that was left when the mobile home I’d had before on that piece of property was removed. Red earth a stark contrast to the green leaves of the many trees standing behind and to the side of where the new house would go.

I remember mom and me driving up the still gravel and dirt driveway to look at the site... pacing off where the house was going to sit... heel to toe, one foot in front of the other, guestimating the distances... ok... 27, 28, 29, 30... well, it should come to about here, front to back mom... and in the other direction... 48, 49, aaaannnd 50! Hey! That looks pretty big, don’t you think mom?

She was smiling at me from the front corner of the soon-to-be house... standing in what would be her very own living room... HER portion of the house... saying how she didn’t quite believe it, that we were going to have our very own homes... two separate living quarters in the same house... planned that way so we could each decorate the way WE wanted, so we could each have our own entry/exit... choose our separate stuff to fit our individual styles. I had drawn the plans myself... every detail planned and measured out... mom deciding where she would have HER kitchen, her living room, etc.

On our next visit to the site we found the footings had already been dug... somehow it looked a little smaller than we’d measured... hmmmm. We decided to buy a really long measuring tape, the kind on a roller that you re-wind by hand... 100' long. We returned and actually measured the footers and found they were indeed short, on both sides. After discussing this with the builder and being told that the footers are naturally a little smaller, the planks would lay on top of the block walled foundation and the walls would sit on the outside edge of those planks, thus completing the true square footage... we were doubtful, but HE was the builder.

I should have insisted they be made bigger. I knew better. I didn’t, and when the house was finished it was one foot smaller in one direction, and 6" shorter in the other, which doesn't seem like much, I know, but when that shortens the master bedroom by that 1' on one size and 6" on the other, and every other bedroom in the house looses that 6" also... it comes out to a lot... I wonder how much money that builder thought he saved by doing that? Wasn’t much, I’m sure. Oh well, mom and I loved our new home anyway.

The cabinets, light fixtures, fans, doors, fireplace, kitchen appliances, flooring... everything was hand picked... within the budget set for us by the builder, which, because I’m a REALLY good shopper, was sufficient to have all upgraded and amazingly beautiful stuff.  My light fixtures and fans matched throughout the house, a kind of Grecian ancient stone look with milky glass... I really fell in love with them... and my fans were remote control.. imagine that!

In a way, it’s a good thing though that we’re not able to keep it. There were so many things that weren’t done the way we’d specified... where walls were to go, how the attic was to be, the height of the fireplace, the width of the porch, where the steps were to be placed... and other things like that. Don’t get me wrong, everyone who saw our homes were in love with them, and though we had some complaints, we were too, but next time... sigh... next time I’ll make sure it’s done right.

Barely in this new place, (Oh, I SO hate renting as opposed to buying... I feel like my money is just being thrown away when it could be building equity... argh!) here I am already planning the new house. That is, unless I find a really big old house that has awesome character and I fall in love with it and just HAVE to buy it. Not around here though... as tempting as it is to look at what’s around here, I’m stopping myself from doing that. When I buy another home, or a piece of land to build a home on, I want it to be in Oregon. That’s my real destination. I’d like to say I’m going on such and such a date, but there is so much up in the air right now that I can’t predict that accurately.

B’s dad is ill, and so is his grandpa, and I wouldn’t want to take him away from them right now. Neither one is expected to last a whole lot longer, although his dad was given 6 months to live over 2 years ago, so it’s hard to say, but it would be wrong to deny him the time with them.

He’s doing so well now, working all the time (which is good and bad... good because he’s earning more money to help with bills, but bad because we don’t spend near enough time together anymore) and he’s visiting his family every day, which he’s never done before. He’s actually developing relationships with them, and with his grandma and two uncles too... I know how important family is, and he’s never really had that closeness... he was always the "black sheep" and  no one ever knew what to expect of him in the past... now that it's different, I can’t ask him to give it up.

Family is incredibly important to me too, and it hurts me that I’m so far away from mine... from all of them. I always feel so alone here... even though I’ve got my B, and the two cats and my Precious Chihuahua, it’s not enough. I’m in contact by phone with my dad once in a while, and with my favorite aunt... not nearly enough, but at least I know she’s ok. My sister is talking to me again, which is great because I get the updates on the kids... always something that makes me laugh, or at least feel a little closer to them.

Mom and I talk almost every day, and we share our day’s events, and more importantly, the emotions we’ve experienced and why, which is very therapeutic I think to both of us... but it’s like only getting to have one bite of chocolate cake and then the rest is taken away... you can’t have anymore until tomorrow. 

Mom's going through so much emotional turmoil also... after all, it was her home too.  Now she's going to live with my brother and he's making an apartment in his basement for her, but it's not the same.  It's not HERS... I had actually deeded her square footage, her apartment, to her... so she could feel comfortable there... knowing it was hers.  I've not only lost the house, but I've displaced mom too.  I feel so guilty about that.

Really though, mom has been living with an eye to looking after me for far too long.  She needs to be more on her own... doing her own thing, rather than worrying about me all the time and being so involved in my life's ups and downs.  She is an amazing woman, a talented artist, and so intelligent... she's got an awesome sense of humor too... seriously, mom needs to make friends in a place like Seattle... people are down to earth there and apparently the majority are artsy and educated, so she'll fit right in.  I think it's an amazing opportunity for her to make new friends and get involved in some community stuff... go to museums and art galleries... live among people for a change, rather than be stuck out here in the boondocks with me.

I’m the type of person who needs human contact... regularly. I’ve never been good at being alone, and the few times I have been relatively alone in my life I had lots of friends to hang out with or invite over for dinner or to go on a trip with. For a lot of years I've also had my mom to do stuff with... she wasn't always game, but at least I had someone around all the time who loves me and who I could confide in... she always had time for me, to listen to me or let me vent or even just soothe me when I had my feathers ruffled.  I don’t have much of that anymore... and unfortunately most of my friends were men... my relationships were mostly platonic, but somehow B doesn’t much like me spending a lot of time with other men. He says he doesn’t trust them, not me... he had a hard enough time with me just going about my regular daily business because he wants to always be able to protect me... from whatever, or whoever... anything that might make me unhappy.

He doesn’t crowd me though... doesn’t ask me where I’m going or where I’ve been all the time (like my ex did if we were ever apart, which was extremely rare because we worked and lived and vacationed and did everything together... ALL the time... which, I have to say, I absolutely loved... we never seemed to tire of one another... I’ve been told that’s strange and weird, but, oh well) (I just love tangents! :)  I appreciate that about him, although it feels odd to me to be so much on my own.

Well, the point is that I have B, and the animals, and that’s it. I miss my family. My brother and his wife were going to ask me and B to Thanksgiving dinner this year, but my sister and her family are going there, and they won’t go if B is there (they haven't been able to get past what B did to me a few months ago... and I undertand... B understands even better than I do)  so... well, I’m sure I could still go, but I don’t want to do that... not without B. How could I possibly leave him alone on a holiday?

Families are supposed to stick together for holidays... and he’s my family too. Even the Bible says that a woman will leave her father and mother to be with her husband... I’m not going to abandon him... especially not with all the work he’s been doing to be "good"... to stay clean and sober... over 90 days now! I think that would be too cruel, although he keeps saying that I should go... that he’s so ashamed of what he did that he doesn’t know if he could face my family anyway and he doesn’t want to come between them and me. I remind him that HE’s my family too, and that we are a package deal now... if both he and members of my family need time... then so be it.

I am waiting for the day when (1) I can feel completely safe and secure and KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that B is indeed going to stick to this new life... that he’s capable of it, and that it’s what he truly does want... (2) When it’s no longer such a distinct effort for B to do what he’s doing... I know that it’s a lifelong struggle for an alcoholic to not drink... ever... but I’m hoping it gets easier... although he says he’s not finding it that difficult... and (3) The doubting members of my family will realize (once 1 and 2 are accomplished) that B is a permanent part of my life and we are a unit, and perhaps they can get to know him and find out he’s a pretty neat guy with a great sense of humor and a whole lot of love for me.

First, I apologize for not visiting everyone over the last few days, and I haven’t written anything either... the reason is very simple, and yet, at the same time, though I made every effort not to make it so... very complicated. We’re moving.

I’d mentioned before about losing my house... yes, the one I designed, and had built only two years ago, although I’ve lived on the same land where the house stands since 1996. It’s been a very difficult time for me... I don’t think B understands quite how difficult. It’s saying goodbye to my entire life in Georgia, as I’ve known it (although I'm still IN Georgia, just across the other side of the mountain, in a little bit more "city"). I t’s saying goodbye, again, to my ex-husband (though I don't mind that B doesn't understand THAT... I somehow don't think he'd like it much) who, although I’ve already been divorced from him for six years, is somehow still "here" with me... we bought it together, we had our businesses here together, we went bankrupt together (OH Yay! What a memory...NOT!), and we split up and got divorced (not that it's a good memory, but it's part of my life)... all out of this address I’m leaving.

I fought to keep this property over the last 10 years, and especially so over the last 6, by myself. That house was a symbol of my independence from him... I did it all by myself, after he left me high and dry and with a zillion dollars in debt to take care of... see, I just wanted to keep the land, so he used that as leverage to leave me with the rest of the debts. I got them all cleared up, I built up my credit again, and I qualified for a good loan and built my house. Now it’s gone.

As difficult as it is, it’s also, I have to say, a relief of sorts. The difficulty I’ve had trying to pay for it... wow. I used to (before house... BH) travel all the time. I’d go on at least two trips to Vegas to visit my family there, one to Seattle, WA to visit other family, one to Puerto Rico.. .more family, and then several just for myself to Florida, Savannah, Tybee Island, Hilton Head Island, and New York. I’d almost go somewhere every month... at least a three or four day trip. That’s one of the reasons I kept this job so long... it has afforded me the opportunity, and the funds (BH) to travel when I wanted.  Because I work 24/7 the rest of the time, my bosses would grump about it a bit, but they’d grudgingly allow me the time off I wanted... without pay of course, but I was doing well enough it didn’t matter.

OK... all that emotion aside... I’m kind of excited about this move (or trying to be... working on seeing the "bright side" of the situation).  I’m going to have less bills... or rather, B and I are going to have less bills, and hopefully we will be able to travel together now.  There are so many places I want to show him... he’s only been a couple of places in his whole life... imagine, I showed him Tybee Island, and he’s been raised his whole life in Georgia... how is it he never went and hung out on Tybee?  It’s only 5 hours from where he grew up... just off the coast of Savannah, Ga.  I don’t get it.  I can’t imagine not exploring everywhere surrounding where you live at least... whatever is within a days’ drive anyway.  Guess that’s the Gypsy in me.

I wish someone could tell me how it is that I lived in a little over 1000 sq feet of home for two years, and now that I’ve moved into a town home which is supposed to be 1341 sq feet or something like that, I can’t fit my stuff into it?  It’s not like I was over crowded in my house or anything... I’m confused.  I had two bathrooms, two bedrooms, a living room, a dining room area, a small kitchen (with a wonderful stove that I'm going to miss a LOT), and a lounge-fireplace room area space thingie in the house.  Attic, yes, but a small space up there that was decked, so most of it was useless.

Now I have two bathrooms (about the same size), two bedrooms (which are bigger than the ones in the house), the walk-in closets are bigger, the linen closet is bigger, I have a hall closet that I didn’t have in the house, a small kitchen, a dining room, and a pretty big living room... about the same size I think as in the house... a little bit longer.  I’ve been giving away furniture.  Gave away a few patio chairs, a futon, a single bed, an armoir, a side table, an entertainment center (well, I replaced it with a better one, really), two bar stools, a wine rack (I’d planned on getting rid of that anyway), and assorted movies, books, clothing, shelves, knic knacks, etc.  The new place still seems crowded. HUH?  I don’t get it. I’m flamboozled... flabergasted... comfusticated.  I’m also trying to find places for everything that’s left. UGH!

Precious seems to be doing ok... as long as she can go outside to go potty, she’s fine, and it’s pretty safe around here.  She can go out the back slider and there’s a grassy area beyond our patio that she can wander around on looking for the right smell so she can do her business.  If she wants a change, she asks to go out the front door and she wanders across the parking lot to this big hillside where the grass is tall and everyone else walks their pets there... she finds oodles of smells there... she’s happy.

Simon is hiding behind the couch. He won’t come out though I’ve been talking to him and crooning to him... he just looks at me with these big eyes and a kind of annoyed look on his face and refuses to come out.  I guess he’ll venture forth when he gets hungry or (hopefully) when he has to use the litter box... which is upstairs and I haven’t had a chance to show him yet.

Earl is still a baby.  He seems to be ok with the move so far.  He’s happier to be here with us and all our stuff than he was in the big empty open echoing house.  We’d had to leave him and Simon (though Simon liked going outside most of the time, so Earl was alone in the house) for the last week while we were moving the big stuff... didn’t want to risk them getting out of the new place while the door was open for moving... new neighborhood and all.

Oh, don’t feel too badly for them being left behind... I went every day and spent time with them, and left them more food than they’ve been able to eat (and that’s saying a lot), and I didn’t get mad at Earl for taking whatever revenge he could think of each day to punish me.

One day I went and all the water from his bowl was emptied on the kitchen floor, his food was scattered across the dining area and his food bowls were upside down.  The laundry I’d left behind was scattered, almost methodically, across the lounge area floor, and the magazines I’d left in a pile were scattered, ripped, partially chewed and spit-balled all over the place.  Another day I went and he’d leapt VERY high up (over my head, and I’m 5'7") onto my sheer golden shimmery curtains in the living room, left numerous kitty claw holes in them, and ripped one, rod and all, off the wall... it was strewn on the floor.  Oh, he got his revenge alright! (What he doesn’t know is that I’ve got a whole new set of those same kind of sheers that I’ve been saving until he grows out of his terrible kitty months... HA HA Earl!)

There is still SO much to do!  I still have numerous boxes from the attic space, a bunch of plastic bins in the second bedroom, all my window treatments from all over the house, most of the dishes, pots, pans, and serving ware, and several boxes of movies and books that still need to be moved.  Plus, I have to take down the chandelier from the dining room and the ceiling fans from the bedroom and living room. It seems never ending.

Well, once it’s done I can spend my time arranging and re-arranging the new place until it’s just right.  Until then I’ll just be in limbo and feeling very... disorganized. (Ooops! Kitty break. Earl was just meeping very loudly wondering where I was... I had to call out to him and he came running up the stairs and leapt into my arms... I petted and re-assured him, and he’s ok now.)

I’ll get to visit everyone again soon... I promise.  In the mean time, enjoy what’s left of the summer and be healthy and happy. It should only be another week or so before most of life is back to normal. I hope.