Edith's profileYonder - I Found It!PhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
|
27/03/2009 HE'S AMAZINGI have a friend, "C", who is going to have open heart surgery tomorrow morning. He's a wonderful person, so kind and caring... a good father, a good Christian, a good husband to his wife of almost 31 years, and a good friend to my husband since they were children. My husband, B, used to "run with" C's brother... they were inseparable for many years. When they got older and both had families and responsibilities, my husband (who was not my husband back then) went the way of drugs and drinking, and his buddy went the way of responsible adult, working and taking care of his family... they drifted apart. That was when B got closer to C... they partied together.
Years later, after they'd lost contact with one another, B found out that C was saved. For 8 years B had that knowledge in the back of his drunk and drugging mind. Every time he thought he'd like to get out of the party scene... every time he thought that maybe he could do it, he had C in his mind as proof it could be done... as an encouragement to making changes in his own life. Each time he heard about C it was good news... he was still going to church, he had his own business and it was doing well, his family was well and most of them were in church regularly... B could look at that and hope that one day he'd have the strength to ask God's forgiveness for the things he'd done in his life, and hopefully begin to live a good, clean, blessed life... like C was doing.
Oddly enough, after B and I found out I was pregnant on August 2, 2007, B admitted he'd gone back to drinking and drugging (which he'd been telling me he was NOT doing back then), and he said he needed God's help to stop, he couldn't do it on his own (he said this to get me to be patient with him and hang on with him hoping he'd change)... he said we were going to go to church. We didn't go... weeks went by. Then, finally, mid month, B woke me up one Sunday morning and said we were going to church. I said ok and got dressed... I asked which one we were going to and he said he didn't know... we'd just drive around and see where God directed us to go. OK. We got in the car and he started driving. We didn't drive around... we drove straight to New Haven Church.. DIRECTLY... no circles, no extra turns, no backtracking, no asking for directions or finding a flyer to guide us... GOD drove the car straight there.
I hadn't been in a church in years, and I was feeling a little apprehensive about going. From the second we walked in the door, I felt like I'd come home. Now, their practices during worship were very different from anything I'd ever dealt with before... these people shouted "Halelujah" and "Glory" and "Amen" all through the service... there were shouts of "Tell it Brother!" and "Oh yeah!" and "Come on!" during the entire service, from all over the congregation. When the Pastor was praying... out loud for the congregation, as I am used to seeing done in a Church, members from all over the sanctuary were praying too... OUT LOUD... as if they were the ones praying for the congregation... it was deafening... I could barely concentrate to hear the Pastor's words. Although this was confusing and a little... odd... to me, the feeling in the church was a loving one. The atmosphere was full of God... you could feel His Holy Spirit thick as fog in the room... it was almost as visible. All I could pray was THANK YOU GOD for bringing us to this church.
Even more amazing than the good feeling we got from everyone at this church were a few other things... first, the Pastor had known B since he was a child, and he was one of B's familie's best friends and closest spiritual advisors... B was immediately at home in his presence... second, B got a tap on the shoulder from someone in the pew behind us, and when he turned around to see who it was, it was C, his wife, and C's mother. WOW!! B was floored. He knew we were in the right place. I got goose bumps when B told me who they were and introduced me.
I had hope again... I thought, God surely had a hand in this... the service was unfamiliar and a little strange to me, but God wanted us there, I had no doubt... and if B was comfortable and happy, then only good could come of it.
Well, there's much more to the story after that, but this is about C... not the story of how B turned his life around. The point is that C was an integral part of it... he was involved even when he didn't know he was.
After we began going to church there regularly, we also started spending time with C and his wife and family. We took a trip to Gatlinburg together, and we went to Gospel concerts together, and out to dinner a lot, and they came over our house and we went over to theirs quite often... for a while almost every weekend.
I got close to them both. C's attributes of tender kindness, compassion, caring and loving disposition really drew me to him. He and I began talking more often... just by chance at first, he'd call to talk to B and B would be busy so we'd chat a while until B was available... then we'd offer to call one another to impart some information on one thing or another... then I was trying to understand things B was doing and C could see my unhappiness and he would offer me a shoulder to cry on (figuratively speaking), and some insight into B's actions that perhaps I hadn't thought of.
Well, to make a year long story short, C and I became close... as did his wife and myself... they were the only people I could really talk to... similar backgrounds and them knowing B almost better than I could know him... them being longer term christians than B and I, and therefore examples to us... lots of things just drew me to them over time.
Now C has 90% blockage in one of his ventricles of his heart. He's been in the hospital two days now, during which they first did an EKG which seemed fine, then to be sure they kept him and did a radioactive isotope nuclear stress test on him the next morning, which he failed miserably, letting the doctors know there must be some blockage, so they scheduled a heart catheter test for the following morning (yesterday), and he failed that one too... well, actually it wasn't a pass or fail, but a "how bad is it" test... they could have put a stint in then and there if it wasn't bad. It was bad... 90% blocked. So now he's scheduled for open heart surgery in the morning, and I feel terrible that I can't be there... I'm working until 7 am, at which time I have to take care of my baby, who is usually awake by then.
B is going to go to the hospital and sit and wait with C's wife... he didn't even want to do that and I stressed how important it was... B is jealous of my friendship with C... but then again B is jealous of my friendship with anyone who takes my time or enery away from him for even a second. He's so manipulative of me that he'll just keep saying snide things and making rude comments to me about something until he's got me doing exactly what he wants how he wants me to do it just so I can get him to shut up.
B can't stand it that I've pointed out C's good qualities that I admire to him from time to time as something B could learn from... it irks him... oh well. Perhaps if B worked on his qualities a little... gave me more attention... treated me with a little respect and didn't belittle me in front of other people... perhaps if B recognized my good attributes once in a while rather than always harping on my bad ones... so much so that he makes me doubt my self, then I wouldn't notices so markedly someone else who actually does recognize and SAY it, when I do something nice or special. Perhaps I wouldn't have to point out the marked difference in how they treat strangers... in what kind of friends they are... in how they treat their wives... or their children.
I don't care if B is jealous of C. That's his own problem. C and I have done nothing inappropriate... we have never stepped over the best friend's wife.... husbands best friend line... we don't meet for lunch or spouse bash or anything like that. I appreciate C for his qualities and insight into B's actions... I appreciate his advice and his sense of humor and love of God. I think he appreciates the same things in me. If B can't be a grown up and just deal with that, then too bad for him.
At this point in time, I'm afraid for my good friend, who I love very much. I am praying constantly for God to let C get well... for God to guide the surgeons hands in the morning and make them fix C's problems and for God to let him stay here on earth with his loved ones for a little while more. C wants to see his grandkids grow up... he wants to spend twilight years with his wife and family, and he wants to continue his ministry for God... please God, give him his wishes.
Selfishly, I pray, Dear God, please don't take C out of my life either... so many times his counsel and love has helped me through a bad time with B... so many times when I thought I was at the end of my rope I turned to C and he comforted me and told me to pray the pain away... C has helped me get closer to you, God... more than my own husband has... please don't let him die. These are my prayers for C... please God.. protect him, and whatever happens, let it be according to Your perfect will. In Jesus's name, Amen.
12/08/2006 ReviewI just want to say thank you to Caroldee http://andsoitgoesonandon.spaces.live.com/ for her review of my space. Thanks so much for the kind things you said, and for the picture (you must have had to search for that one!). I think it's very sweet of you to do that for people... getting them noticed by more people than might have stopped by before. We all like comments and input on our spaces, and you doing your reviews is a great way to encourage that.
Again, thanks! I think others need to visit your site and take you up on some of the spaces you review and recommend. I know I have and I like a lot of the ones you've listed. 8/07/2006 FriendsOver the last week I have spent a lot of time reading... reading the kind and supportive comments left by my blogging friends...Thank You all for your insight, your personal stories, all the experiences and words of wisdom you have shared with me, and most of all, for caring enough to take the time to read my blog, and to understand and leave me knowing how warm and amazing your hearts are.
I've read a lot of other material too... some of it religious (have you ever noticed that whenever you are soul searching, and you happen to pick up something about faith or God, somehow... divine intervention perhaps... whatever you read is extremely relevant, or comforting, or somehow helps in directing your path?)... some of it self-help books that have been recommended to me, and some of it pamphlets and print outs that my counselor gave me for "homework".
I've been in regular contact with my mom (still visiting my sister and her family in Nevada) by phone too, and I've let her know that I'm spending a lot of time with my hubby and we are trying to work it out. She's concerned about me, but remains supportive. As she said, she's still "with me".
I'm not sure but I think it's so that she can keep an eye on me and make sure that I remain physically and emotionally "safe"... perhaps with an idea that if I have some family member around... close around me... that B will be less likely to make a repeat performance, or if he does that she'll be there to "rescue" me, as my aunts were before.
Don't get me wrong, mom has always... well, since we became closer... sometime around 1992 or so... been there to support me and whatever decisions I've made for my life. I hope she feels I've been there for her too.
I know she's not convinced that me seeing B again, or wanting to give it another try is the right thing for me... for my mental health (not to mention her fear of my physical health)... but she'll sit back and watch and listen... and she'll "hope", for my sake, that it works out... if she feels that it's what I truly want to do.
I've told one of my brothers also... he came out here to see me and though he spent only one evening with me he was very supportive and kind. He gave me what advice he felt he was qualified to, and we spent a very enjoyable evening reminiscing and catching up. He met B briefly, and he liked him... despite the problems we've gone through recently... he said simply, that if this was the man I wanted, then he wanted me to have him... as long as I could do so safely, and I was happy. I really have great brothers. I don't get to spend hardly any time with them, sometimes it's a year or two before I see them again, but they're special anyway, and any contact we do have is always great.
I've told a couple of my friends also... one in particular who has seen me go through some rough times. I've known her for about 8 years now, and she got to see me go through the incredibly painful divorce from my ex. She watched me exist for a year or so... not having any joy in life, not allowing myself to connect with anyone, just me being numb and existing... for about a year afterward. She watched and helped me learn who I was again, learn what I wanted in life, and begin to seek it. I have considered her one of my best friends.
She is exemplary in behavior and attitude. She has improved her self and educated her self and continues to do so. Her knowledge of the world, art, history, science, literature, and human behavior is astounding. She is very compassionate and down to earth. She is a model of womanhood, and upholds the highest standards for herself, strong in both morals and scruples. I truly admire her.
I kid her sometimes and tell her to loosen up... I can tell her anything and have been able to talk to her candidly without fear of being judged harshly. She has herself gone through a very painfull divorce from a man who was abusive and extremely dysfunctional, and has endured the loss of daily physical contact with her four children... she lives here in Ga and her family lives in Colorado.
She has worked hard not to be co-dependent, and has advised me to attend Alanon and Coda meetings... especially now. I am doing so, on her advice and that of my counselor. I am continuing to grow, and to educate myself and to build and enforce my boundaries.
She had written me a rather strong e-mail... it was supportive, but it was also a little bit critical. I don't blame her for it, nor am I angry about it, and I wrote her back with my feelings. I let her know that I love her very much, but part of my "healing" myself is that I have to make my own decisions, and I must decide what's best for me... regardless of what others think.
I took the opportunity to let her know I'm seeing B again, and that we are trying to work it out. I told her that I understood her reservations, but that it was my desire to see it through. I also let her know that if she had to step back... if she felt she had to separate from me because it was not healthy for her to associate so much with someone who was so co-dependent... if she had to do so to continue with her own growth, or for whatever reason... I would understand, and I would still love her... and I said I'd let her make her decision and would wait for her to contact me, if she still wanted to.
That was three days ago. I haven't heard from her since... and we used to have daily, if not more than once a day contact... either by phone or e-mail. I miss my friend very much. I've cried about it, but I am not responsible for the decisions she makes... only for my own. I knew I'd lose some friends over my decisions... I dread the final count of the family members I'll lose over it... but being true to my own heart and desires is the only way I know how to be, and that's supposed to be healthy. I can only hope that as time goes by, perhaps she will contact me again... perhaps she will see that B has changed... in time.
With regard to B, and our progress... he has now been sober for 27 days. Of course, 15 of those days he was in jail... but he's determined not to ever drink again. He has enrolled in the evaluation thing, and he's seeking counseling as well... hopefully they will put him on some kind of anti-depressants, which I think he needs... or rather... he did need them before, but I'm not sure now.
He seems so much more stable. He says that it's not as hard as he thought it would be, and that he has only thought of drinking a couple of times, and not so he could "escape" either his circumstances or his memories, but because he was working out in the heat and remembered how good an ice cold beer tastes on days like that... and then in the same sentence he wondered if they sold O'douls (non-alcoholic) beer in singles. I have to say I almost sighed in relief when he said that... he didn't want the alcohol... just the taste. That's such an incredible thing to me! He didn't even follow through on THAT, and I'm slightly encouraged... though not letting go of my breath yet.
He's pursuing his faith also... for the first time since he was a kid. His finally letting go of all the pain and awful memories that have haunted him his whole life... finally giving them over to God... it's really made him a much more peacefull man. The sharpness in his eyes is still there, but the pain behind them has gone. I look at him now and his manner is more relaxed... he's not looking around him all the time to see who wants to fight... he had gotten so used to being on the look-out... it had become a way of life for him. He reads his scripture every moring, and he's listening to his gospel music every night... often discussing different scriptures with me.
We went on a little trip to the mountains today, and he never once indicated a need or even a desire for alcohol... used to be we couldn't leave the house to go anywhere without him planning the first beer stop, and then being impatient until we got there... often never making it further than that first bar. We drove all over the place today, and we talked, and we laughed... I was comfortable and at ease, and overjoyed to see the man I knew and fell in love with originally come out to play.
I'm not fooling myself into believing it will always be this easy... I know he has a very long road in front of him, and he won't find it easy. He's always been a proud and stubborn man, and he comes by it honestly... if you'd ever met his family you'd know what I mean. However, I think he really does want a different life...one where he can be at peace... where he can allow himself to be happy without feeling guilty or like he doesn't deserve it.
I will continue to watch, and to support him. I do not bring it up to him, but rather let him talk to me about it whenever he is comfortable to do so, and he has done so several times now. He jokingly said for me to leave him off at this particular local bar when I was going to pay a bill, and then for me to pick him up after. I said, OK, and left it at that. I could feel him looking at me in shock.
I explained that I was not going to nag him, nor was I going to go around all suspicious, nor was I going to ask him where he was going, or why. He's a grown man, and he knows how I feel about everything. He also knows what he needs to do for his own growth, and he has to want to make changes for himself... not for me. If he decides that what he wants is to drink, then that's his decision, and I'm not going to tell him what to do. I told him that I just wanted him to know, and I'd said this before, that if he drinks, we will not be together. I don't feel safe that way, and I'll go on with my life and not resent him or hate him... I'll just hope that he finds happiness.
I could see him smile (I was driving at the time, him in the passenger seat), and he said thank you. He has no desire to drink, he was just kidding, though perhaps that was not the way to kid so soon after all that stuff happened. He said he loves me, and that he wants us to be together, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life sober... whether we are together or not.
I think things are going ok so far...only time will tell the long run results. I'll keep working on me, and I believe he will continue working on him. Meanwhile, I'll continue to believe in the "happily ever after" ending.
|
|
|
